My name is
Many women dream of marrying a great husband, having the “white picket fence” around their home, and of someday being a mother. I got married to someone I thought would take care of me, love me, encourage me, respect me and give me a beautiful home and life. But this was not the case for me. It all started about 8 years ago.
“He abused me physically and mentally.”
I began to discover that he was very controlling. He manipulated me emotionally, abused me physically and mentally. I definitely don’t want to paint this man I married as an evil person but what he did to me was not right nor acceptable. I later became depressed, my work and family life suffered because of it. I ended up being in the hospital with suicidal thoughts and just feeling totally broken and worthless.
This was a very difficult time for me and eventually I lost my job in the midst of the conflict. I also ended up leaving my marriage, seeked out a support group and a counselor to help me through the pain, hurt, anger, and shame.
“I felt I had Failed Miserably at my marriage.”
I felt completely discouraged and thought I had failed miserably at my marriage. I was angry at God for even allowing this to happen to me. I felt responsible for the things that happened, I felt hopeless and also afraid to let any man touch me or speak kindly to me.
My parents, friends, family, and counselors all helped me through the healing process, but God was the one who provided the resources and the people to help me. I began going to a local church with my mom. There I met a few amazing women who helped me see that God still loved me and wants to heal me from the fear of failure, insecurity, lack of self esteem, and rejection that I felt.
“God wants to heal me from fear of failure, insecurity and rejection.”
They helped me to let go so I could live again. My counsellor asked me this question, “Does he love you like 1 Corinthians 13:4-8?”, speaking of my spouse. I remember having such doubt that he loved me but feeling so conflicted at the same time. My counselor did not tell me what to do but he asked me questions to help reveal to me my own misconceptions, and he helped me understand that abusive behaviour is wrong and should not be condoned.
As time passed, God lead me to take classes at another local Church, this helped me understand my identity. That was something God wanted me to know; my identity is in Him, in His love for me and His continued presence in my life. As I started growing closer to God through the word of God (The Bible), serving at my church on the choir, women’s network, and young adults, meeting with Christian Mentors and friends, my mindset began to change.
“God wanted me to know that my identity is in Him.”
I began to believe in who God is and that his love is unchanging and he is faithful. I started to understand His promises to love me, to help me, to protect me, to deliver me, to guide me, to grow me as a person rooted in Him, my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. God continues to renew my mind, refresh my spirit, and love me patiently.
“You are not alone in your struggle, there is hope.”
My hope in sharing my story is that someone will know that you are not alone in your struggle and that there is hope. There is a future for you and you do not have to stay stuck in your past. God took my past and is using it for His good and to show His unfailing love and his relentless pursuit of me.
At SheSpeaks, we believe that EVERY woman has a story that another woman NEEDS to hear.
We would love to share your story.