My name is
My story began at the moment of conception. My father was married to another women, and he was also sterile. When my mother found out she was pregnant, my father wanted her to have an abortion, because he was afraid that his wife, would find out.
“My life was a secret for my first 3 years!”
She decided to keep me, and I became a secret for the next three years. When I told my story, people would often say “you are a miracle” and yet I felt dirty, I felt shame, and I felt insecure, and that I didn’t belong.
And growing up I never realized why I struggled with these thoughts. It seemed as if bad things were attracted to me like a magnet. My mom finally left my dad, and when I was three, she told his wife that I existed.
“It was our dysfunctional norm.”
They all did their best to try to make it work. My mom met my step dad, who struggled with alcohol, and drug addictions, and my home life was often dysfunctional, and violent, but at times when things were good, home was also good. It was our dysfunctional norm.
“My spirit felt broken.”
When I was a young girl, I was molested by a family member, and I kept this a secret until I was in my twenties. As I became a teenager my spirit, felt broken. I was betrayed again by some family. I was 14 when my older cousin and her boyfriend took me out with their friend, a married man in his thirties. They drove behind my high school late one evening, and he proceeded to take advantage of me, and have sex with me while they laughed and watched.
I became so messed inside that I turned to drugs and alcohol to cope. I looked for love with men, who only wanted to use me for sex. Tragedy became a recurring nightmare in my life. In my care when I was 14, my nephew who I loved died. I became pregnant at 17, and that’s when my life changed.
“I now had a beautiful baby girl that depended on my stability, love and protection.”
Although the trails didn’t stop, and tragedy and sickness, and life sometimes got the best of me, I knew that I now had a beautiful baby girl, that depended on my stability, and love, and protection. And that’s when I found Jesus.
“The crisis’s didn’t stop because I found Jesus, I just had a new strength.”
I had many crisis’s in my life, and I can’t say that one was worse over another. They all molded, and changed me. The crisis’s didn’t stop because I found Jesus, I just had a new strength.
And my life from 17 and on has not been a walk in the park, I have gone through many trials since then, with my health, my family, my marriage, my finances and the death of close loved ones.
“I never gave up hope.”
But I never gave up hope, and I knew that I had to be active and get help to fix the storm inside of me, so that I could be healthy, and be an example for my two beautiful girls. To show them that nothing is impossible if you have faith.
Its taken years to get where I am today. I’m 35 years old, and I still at times struggle with insecurities. I sought out help with counselors, healing seminars, books, and any healing church function I could attend.
One healing seminar in particular is where I believe I was finally set free. It was at my home church, and they called us up for prayer. I avoided it, but my aunt wouldn’t let me. She didn’t stop till someone would take time to pray for me. And I believe it was a divine appointment from God.
“Those people that prayed for me knew things that only God could have revealed to them.”
Those people that prayed for me knew things that only God could have revealed to them. As they prayed for me I felt God healing me. It was like my mind had just been washed, It felt like a beautiful clean calm rushing river, removing every impurity that was attached to my mind. I felt free, like a bird, and all my emptiness was gone.
“I will always have Jesus, and I will never be defeated.”
Although at times, I feel those thoughts try to plague me, or those insecurities trying to take over, in worshipping Jesus I’m reminded, “I am no longer a slave to fear”, “I am not a victim, but I’m victorious through Christ”. It’s in worship, and in my faith where I become strengthened, knowing that I will always have days that are hard, but I will always have Jesus, and I will never be defeated.
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