Pressing Pause; A Journey To Healing
My name is
It was mid morning, I was at work and I remember it clearly. An email came in and I made a decision then and there: I was going to stop my busy, busy life. A life that was full of schedules and I was going to press pause. Within a week, I had my three daughters and myself packed and we moved to YWAM (Youth With a Mission) in Muskoka.
And so here began the beginning of a process. To rethink/relearn all that I thought was right, and to discover the truth.
Life has its ups and downs. It has its unexpected turn of events that leave our hearts broken and dripping with tears. It has us second guessing our moves and motives and who we are. What is this life all about?
So here is me. A woman who left her husband and divorced him. Whose dreams of living the life of a happy family with a house, a white picket fence and a husband who loves her, were shattered. A woman who is raising her beautiful daughters and working three jobs plus taking the girls to their after school lessons. A woman who collapses in bed at the end of the day and breaks down crying as she lays in bed talking to God. Repeating, God help me. Help me raise these girls, provide more work so that I can pay these bills. Help me be the woman that you designed me to be. Heal this broken and hurting heart.
The answer came in a dramatic way. PRESS PAUSE AND STAND FIRM IN MY INSTRUCTIONS. And so came the process of rethink/relearn everything.
Step one, was healing. God planted us in this loving community to receive revelation, restoration, and revitalization. It was perfect for that time in our lives.
Step two, was new connections. People that would challenge my old mindset and reveal these hidden truths. Challenge my brain to think bigger and better.
Step three, remind me who I am, who I’ve always been, and fill me with hope.
I am 33 years old. I pressed pause on my life. I stopped the striving, the trying so hard to make things work by myself. I leaned into a community of people that showed me a new love. And I am so happy that I did. It doesn’t matter what my age is. I have lots to learn. And I pray that God continues to teach me His truths.
I had a mind that was set on religious rules, and these rules put so much pressure on my shoulders. I felt like a failure and I was filled with shame because I couldn’t live up to “Gods” standards. I felt alone and foolish and scared to do this life.
All of that has changed now. I am not scared to do this life anymore. God is by my side orchestrating each step before I even take it. He has us girls. I am filled with contentment and peace and so much joy now. Realizing that I don’t need to try so hard, that I am good enough. And he will provide what I need. I also really focus in on family and community now. I haven’t always been a good mom. Now I spend so much more time parenting on purpose.
Being a parent is my main purpose in life. When I hold my little ones hand, I tear up. When I look at the beauty of my oldest or see my middle child explore her talents my heart is filled with so much love. What an honor and pure joy it is to be a mom. No amount of money I could make working those three jobs could amount to the richness in spending quality time with my treasures.
I now have one job, that I love, that allows me to spend a lot of time with my girls. My eyes are focused on setting goals that God and I set together. The future is filled with hope, not fear, not worry, not striving, HOPE.
So the truth, God loves me. He loves me. Fully and unconditionally. No matter what happens or what I do, His love never changes. He designed me to be this strong, confident, beautiful woman who is filled with love, compassion and understanding. And with Him by my side, I am even stronger and can do this life. And I can do it well. That is the truth.
Press pause, rethink/relearn.